Bedding

All the world’s a bed, and men and women merely dreamers.

--James Broughton

Finally.

It took them long enough, but after sticking their educated noses into just about every conceivable aspect of the human animal's experience, scientists have at last tackled a frontier I should have thought they'd've gotten into a lot sooner: how people sleep together.

Not sex!   What happens in the bed.  How two humans share that twin, queen, king or oval-sized ship of dreams every night, be the voyage nightmarish or in some cases, sleep-free.  You'd think it would be obvious, but remarkably, the field of sleep research has up until recently focused rather narrowly on the habits and disorders of the solo sleeper.  With the publication of Two in a Bed by Dr. Paul C. Rosenblatt, we now get the skinny on how two people sleep together -- more often than not, heterosexual mates (though same-gender pajama parties also get coverage).

Nothing earth-shattering to report as yet, as this article in the NY Times by Kate Murphy points out (and yes, I know that for some frequent readers of this blog, I'm fast becoming "that guy who does nothing but read the NY Times every day," despite the fact that I live in L.A., but I can't help it, they keep writing romantic comedy):

The couples reported conflicts over bedroom temperature, where to locate the bed and how to make the bed. Watching television, reading and eating in bed were other contentious issues, as was sleeping in the nude. There were quarrels over the alarm clock and whether to allow children or pets into the bed.

“Each couple had to do a lot of problem solving to work out their systems for sleeping together,” Dr. Rosenblatt said...   The subjects he interviewed often had signals for when they wanted affection, wanted to talk or wanted to be left alone.  "How they arrived at these systems could be said to mirror their relationships,” said Dr. Rosenblatt.

Not big news, nor the notes on how a partner's snoring and insomnia "profoundly affected the couple's sleep dynamic."  It was interesting though to learn "how many people thought they were alive today because they shared a bed":

...a woman’s seizure was noticed immediately by her husband with whom she spooned every night. Similar stories came from couples where one partner had a heart attack, stroke or went into diabetic shock.

Here's the part that intrigued me the most:

Intimacy and comfort were the primary reasons couples gave for sleeping together.  “Some mentioned sex, but not a lot,” Dr. Rosenblatt said. Most reported that the bed is where they talked. “The bed is where they found privacy and were able to leave behind the distractions and separate interests that keep them apart during the day. There’s also something about late night that allowed them to open up and connect.”

Common knowledge, of course, and yet...  In my book on rom-coms, I've proselytized to screenwriters that they take advantage of precisely this -- not the sexual pyrotechnics, but the intimacy that comes of two lovers sharing a pillow, to plumb the depths of human experience.   It seems to me that what happens between two people under the covers -- before and especially after the sex, actually -- is a goldmine for digging into character and theme.  One last quote from Dr. Rosenblatt:

"Even though we may take sleeping with our partner for granted, it’s through these kinds of shared social systems that we build and nurture our relationships, and perhaps uncover the underlying meaning of our lives.”

Beyond the intimacy of sex, there is a special kind of intimacy that happens in the bedroom, where people tend to expose themselves in psychological nudity and all kinds of intriguing truths emerge.  For screenwriters, keeping your characters in bed (as opposed to showing a hand clenching the sheets and... fade out!) can be a potential sodium pentathol shot situation.

Sure, you may say, write a scene in which my hero and heroine just lie there -- that'll get me my big spec sale.  But in fact, there have been some wonderfully memorable romantic comedy moments born of precisely this kind of stuff, from Harrison Ford's apres-amour confessional to Melanie Griffith (i.e. how he got that scar on his chin) in Working Girl to Hugh Grant's sweet, brief just-before-the-shit-hits-the-fan morning-after idyll with Julia Roberts in Notting Hill.

You may remember this scene from Sleepless in Seattle: Meg Ryan, playing an engaged woman whose romantic leanings have been more deeply stirred up by listening to widow Tom Hanks on the radio than by her Bellamy of a fiance played by hapless Bill Pullman, lies in bed wide awake besides Pullman... whose allergy-related snoring keeps rhythmically blowing a bit of sheet up and down in front of his face.  Short shot -- wealth of information succinctly delivered, re: the future of their relationship.

Or Scarlett Johansson and Bill Murray in Lost in Translation, lying together in bed fully clothed, drifting off to sleep while ruminating on the meaning and future of their respective lives... and the story reaches its apogee of intimate eroticism as, assuring her that she's "not so bad" as she claims to be, he gently... takes hold of... her foot with his hand.  Which is tantamount to a sex scene's mutual orgasm moment in this perversely, beautifully underplayed movie.

I experienced a real-life rom-com-in-bed moment not long ago that called to mind an apropos famous movie scene.  My date and I had put away copious amounts of sake and were into some woozy, comfortably low-key foreplay, but she'd been up early that day and was really, really tired.  When she said, with evident reluctance, that she supposed she'd have to get into her car and go home, I suggested she stay.  "We don't have to have sex," I told her (so gallant!) and she loved the idea.  "But no sex," she repeated, "I'm comatose."  I nodded, seeing she was relieved to have the pressure off, and assured her this was fine with me.

Reader, I meant it.  I was very tired, myself; she and I had yet to do the deed, and I was looking forward to doing it right.  I mean, I love sex as much as the next healthy male, but I prefer having it with partners who are mostly conscious, as opposed to nearly un.  So I gave her some time to get ready for bed, and when I did re-enter the bedroom, lights out but for one flickering candle, I started putting on some pajamas... only to stop when she, evidently clothes-less under the covers, started laughing at me.  Didn't I usually sleep in the nude?  And wasn't it, in fact, a warm late summer night?

Well, yeah.  So sans pjs, I slipped into my side of the bed.  My date snuggled up next to me, warm and nubile-naked, head nestled against my shoulder ("This is nice," she murmured, and "I'm soooo sleepy..."), and since the signals were very clear, I chastely kept my hands to myself, and attempted to close my eyes.   And...?  Surely you remember that justly famous shot from When Harry Met Sally, right after Meg and Billy have finally had sex: there's a slow zoom out from Meg's blissfully smiling mug, eyes closed on his shoulder... and Billy's absolutely terrified "what have I done?!" eyes staring into space, beside her.

This time the Billy was me, and the eyes staring weren't terrified, just absolutely wide awake.  Tired, huh?  Like there was any chance in hell --  Talk about being hoisted (alert and erect) on your own petard... I ended up climbing out of bed, leaving her to pleasant dreams, and sitting in the living room reading instead (I'm beginning to fear this is the story of my life -- my tombstone will say he read a lot) until I finally did get so sleepy I was able to rejoin my quietly snoring bedmate. 

It was in retrospect I realized I'd done a Harry Met Sally variation (minus the sex), and thought: good shot for a romantic comedy -- homage and gag in one.  I added it to the file (it's both mental and physical) I've had going for a number of years; I've been back-burner-ing a rom-com project that's set entirely in a bedroom.  It's the same room, with the same and some different beds over a long stretch of time, and that's all I'll say about it here (though even pitching this much into cyberspace gives me a twinge of "uh-oh, there goes that one").

The only other movie I can think of that's so bed-focused is a 1960s short by the late avant-garde filmmaker James Broughton called The Bed, which features a bed that travels down a hill and then settles into a forest for some surreal revels.  But anyway:

As reader Binnie pointed out in the comments on the last post, comments seems to be the big fun here lately, so I open this up to you Living RomCommers.   What eloquent, revealing and/or funny moments, not overtly sexual (i.e. even while you -- or they -- were sleeping), have you had with a partner between the sheets, that could conceivably be rom-com fodder for a Scenes We'd Like To See?

 

Comments

[Tom Green]

Great post.

Brought to mind the Philip Larkin poem, "Talking in Bed".

Talking in bed ought to be easiest,
Lying together there goes back so far,
An emblem of two people being honest.

(Needless to say, this being Larkin, the next three verses are about the difficulty of talking in bed)

btw...what happened on the next date with the tired sake woman?!

[Ann Wesley Hardin]

Yeah, we wanna know if you got some morning action, Billy!

*pumping fist* Woooo-Wooooo!

All I could think about as I read this was that my face would look like a blowfish in the morning after a boatload of Sake and, presumably, sodium-soaked sushi. No way would you catch me spending the night under those circumstances anymore. It's my menopausal lot in life right now, I guess.

Anyway, it's too early for me to recall the interesting pillow-talk in my life. I'll think on it and come back later.

[E.C. Henry]

Billy, sorry nothing to report from the personal archives. Though I must admit, I do agree with you wholeheatedly that the bedroom is a key place for gaining insight into the characters in any given rom/com couple. AND I do appreciate your own openess in siting one of your personal experiences.

NOW I see why you like that movie, "When Harry Meet Sally," so much. The peices are all starting to come together...

- E.C. Henry from Bonney Lake, WA

[Ann Wesley Hardin]

We don't have to stick to personal experience? Phew. That's a load off.

Okay, here's where I can actually add something informative and relatively intelligent to the blogersation.

I write erotic romcom! Being in bed with/having sex with (whatever *gg*) is definitely one of the most potentially explosive moments in not only a new relationship with someone else, but that old one with yourself, too.

Here's a snippet from an old blog post about why I chose this genre:

"To close the door and assume the reader knows what's going on in your character's heads at such a crucial moment is, in my opinion, a cop out. The reader will only know what they personally would've felt, not what your characters felt. And the raw language of erotic romance is a metaphor for the raw emotions being experienced.

We all know that what we do with our bodies affects our souls and our emotions. So, if people ask how can I write that stuff, I say, how can I not?"

And the potential comedy in these scenes--for misunderstandings, misread cues, insecurities and vulnerabilities etc.--is a delightful feast for anyone who loves writing funny.

One of my favorite arenas to explore in comedy is "what's said vs what's heard". People hear through a filter of doubts, fears and mild psychosis. Now put them naked in bed together and all those things are magnified ten-thousand times over.

It's an absolute riot. Great topic, Billy. I'll probably be pondering this all day!

[binnie]

Ahem. Perhaps I should recuse myself from these proceedings, but yes, Billy, you're right, the real part of any relationship is what happens before, and especially after, sex. That is where real intimacy lies (pardon the pun) and how a lasting relationship forms. I'm just a little concerned that your online musings about your dates (or non-dates, i.e. "Cynthia" from a few posts back) can appear a bit...ungallant, if you will. How do these women feel about your posting your experiences?

[Betsy]

Oh, this made me laugh so hard that if the rom-com comes out half as funny it's a guaranteed winner.
We spend so much time in our bed I'm going to have to think about that one! It's one of our favorite places.

[MaryAn]

Why, exactly, should you recuse yourself, Binnie?

[HuckleCat]

I've gotten complaints from guys that I fall asleep when they're telling me something intimate and difficult-to-share. Oops.

[christina]

I have a really nice king-size bed that some rich relatives gave to me when they moved from their 2nd home, a home they only occupied a few weeks. The bed probably cost $2000. I would never have bought it for myself. Covered in $500 sheets (found on sale for $200), it's a bed fit for a king.

I've been single and sleeping alone since January. I dated a musician for a few weeks in June. When I brought him home the first time, he was awake and practically threw me on my bed. Then he got in my bed. Within minutes, he passed out. I was like, "Huh?" He slept 10 hours, snoring. I spent the night in the living room, reading. Confused. The next week, he came over again and we tried it one more time. He got into my bed, and bam, was out like a light. Snoring. For 9 hours. I spent another night reading in the living room.

He told me it was the first real sleep he had had in months, since he broke up with his last girlfriend and she kicked him out. (He'd been sleeping on a futon.) After those two nights in my bed, he stopped dating me and spent $1500 on a new bed instead.

I have not dated since.

Re: When Harry Met Sally. I like the scene when they're in their own beds and on the phone with each other late at night. They're already pillow talking and they haven't acknowledged that they're in love.

[Susan]

I have a really weird but 100% true bed story. Not really about intimacy, but definately about bed sleep styles....I have always slept on my right side, I can't sleep on on my left side - 10 minutes and I wake up. I have a twin sister and when we were in the womb together she sat on my head. So when I was a newborn the doctor recommended that I sleep in an outfit with a hood with my head pinned down (so the other side of my head would develop - so both sides would be even). It did work - I don't have a lopsided face. But I realized the reason that I sleep on my right side is that I was literally "pinned down" to the mattress on my right side for a few months as a newborn - I had a few nightmares about it but it didn't require major therapy. (I realized this was the reason when I saw a picture of myself as a baby with safety pins attached to a sleep bonnet) Weird but true.

[mernitman]

Tom: Thanks for this. Ah, the delightful Mr. Larkin -- who, I'm thinking, wasn't exactly a barrel of laughs in the sack. And re: my sake-ed date... Surely as an Englishman you'll understand: a gentleman never tells! ;-)

Which is why Ann, though I appreciate the enthusiasm, I'm drawing the line (or the blinds) right here. Meanwhile, I'm stealing your "blowfish" metaphor for my next fictional morning-after description...

EC: and when all the pieces come together, let me know -- no, on second thought, don't -- I don't think I could stand the insight...

Ann: "what's said v. what's heard" -- that's just great. And BTW, as someone who used to write Harlequins, I'm totally with you on filling in the bedroom blanks (in fiction).

Binnie: Un-gallant? I don't think so. Un-gallant would be naming names and going much further into specifics (and if you troll a number of other blogs you may be shocked at how tell-all personal bloggers can be).

I always think seriously about how much I may be betraying confidences in posts like this -- the one time in my blog life that I did use someone's actual (first) name I got my figurative head handed to me, even though the other specifics I'd cited about said person had been altered (not enough, according to her near-pyschotic reaction).

I think that as long as you're not really causing harm and casting aspersions on the other person and are reasonably discreet, personal experience like this is fair blogging game. You'll note that in the "Cynthia" post I practically bent over backwards explaining and justifying her behavior, and that in both that post and this one, the person being made fun of is me.

("Cynthia," BTW, was fine about my post, and when she did have her two cents to put in, she commented, and got responded to accordingly.)

Actually, if you knew how many experiences I HAVEN'T blogged about, re: real-life rom-com, you'd think me the acme of gallantosity.

Betsy and Ben: insert envious *sigh...*

Hucklecat, that's hilarious, and thanks for puncturing the myth that it's the MEN who always (inappropriately) fall asleep.

Oh Christina! Bless your maligned heart; do we chortle with you or sniffle? The beauty part of being a writer is that you can (and must) translate this stuff into film/fiction.

Actually, it sounds to me like a great set-up for a Marquez-ian or Murakami-like short story: In San Francisco once, there lived a woman whose bed was so comfortable that any time... Etc.

Re: the musician in question,
1) A musician; need we say more?
2) You are so, so better off.

Wow, Susan, that's amazing, and... speaking of Murakami -- also GREAT characterization material...

[Ann Wesley Hardin]

These last couple of comments have illustrated how a writer can use the bedroom not just to reveal character, but to show it. We're always warned to show, not tell, right? Weeeell look no further than the bedroom for GREAT showing potential.

How a character behaves to get sex, how he/she behaves during and after, how they lie on it (side/fetal, back, face-smashed-into-pillow), what sort of pillow they like, what sort of sheets, naked or jammies, eating, TV watching, restless sleeping, dead-to-the-world, and so on.

These are wonderful, subtle showing tools where the writer won't have to resort to any exposition at all.

Then later on in the book you can show your restless hero sleeping calmly when the heroine is beside him.

Now I'm all excited to get some of this into my WIP.

[Ann Wesley Hardin]

Billy, did you get anything published with Harlequin? I tried for years to squeeze my big voice into their mold until the effort killed my will to live *gg*.

I cut my teeth on reading them, and their online website taught me how to write. I've also made alot of enduring friendships with Harlequin authors. But in the end, EC was my home. They let me do anything, in almost any word count. The freedom there is unbelievable. I could go on and on.

Anyway, go ahead. Take my blowfish! See if I care. Plenty more where that came from *sniffle*

j/k

[Susan]

Another thing that's sort of weird about me (I'm not sure if its linked to the "bed pinning" experience) but I have a "Romantic" Side and a "Non-Romantic" Side.

When guys are seated to my Right - that's my "Romantic Side" and I feel more "romantic" feelings toward them.

When guys are seated on my Left side that's my "Non-Romantic" more platonic side.

Kinda weird. Just thought I'd share....

[Writergurl]

Oh yeah, intimacy isn't always about S.E.X! I first discovered that my ex loved me when I was in the twilight zone between fully awake and fully asleep. I was over at her house one night and we had been snuggling (fully clothed... get your mind outta that gutter) on her bed watching Saturday Night Live when I began to get drowsy and then eventually drifted off towards sleep tangled in her arms. Just as I was beginning to fall fast asleep, I felt her untangle herself, and it woke me a bit. She didn't get off the bed so I figured she was just getting more comfortable.

As I drifted back towards sleep... I felt the bed move again, a more sublte shifting now, but it still stopped my slide into a deep sleep. As I swam my way towards conciousness, I felt the slightest feather light touch as she traced my features. First, my brow, then the curve of my cheek and then down my nose before she traced my lower lip. I just lay there and let her think that I was still asleep as she showed me her heart.

[Trish]

Getting in bed naked with a sexy guy and telling him you're sleepy is not fair play. Be sleepy. Stay dressed. Be naked. Have fun. It's an either or in my opinion.

[Trish]

What I meant to say was that if you're sleepy, and you don't want to sleep with the guy, have the courtesy to not jump in bed naked with him.

[binnie]

Nooooooooooo, MaryAn, cannot go there. Not on this blog, at any rate!
:)

[binnie]

P.S. I agree with Trish.

[mernitman]

Ann: Amen to your thoughts on character. I published some 8 or 9 Harlequins, back in the '80s, and a bunch of "Second Chance at Love"s under the names Lee Williams and Leigh Anne Williams; for the whole sordid story, read:
http://livingromcom.typepad.com/my_weblog/2005/12/my_life_as_a_wo.html and http://livingromcom.typepad.com/my_weblog/2005/12/my_life_as_a_wo_1.html

Susan: Curiouser and curiouser...

Writergurl, that is so freakin' SWEET...

Trish: Actually, I quite agree.

Binnie, Soul of Discretion. ;-)

[Ann Wesley Hardin]

Whoa, a fascinating, cautionary tale. Man. I always knew this biz was small but that really underlines it.

Back then I was starting career and family, so I'd stopped reading romances and forgotten that all my life I wanted to write them. So, sorry to say, I missed out on some wonderful love scenes ;)

You can bet tomorrow I'll be taking my lil a$$ off to a UBS, though!

[Writergurl]

Yea, well, she did have SOME good points. I wouldn't have been that crazy aout her otherwise.

[cyynthia]

Alert and erect? Good thing that girl's not a tell-all memoirist or anything! You never KNOW what could (not) come up!

[mernitman]

Ann, I have a feeling you've written all the scenes you missed...

Writergurl: It feels like one of those (as Woody Allen said) "we need the eggs" situations...

Cyynthia, somehow I feel like someone's trying to hit me below the belt...

[Ann Wesley Hardin]

I'm sure I did, back in the day when I was His Manhood's court jester. The ancient language was so ingrained in me I used to cringe at the keyboard when exploring the juicy, naughty words. But like anything, dirtiness evolves, or devolves-- depending on perspective. Right now I really enjoy it. I might get tired of the words someday, but I'll never get tired of the freedom to use them.