My Brilliant Idea

I did a little on-line dating back in the day, pre-marriage.  Post-divorce, I’ve resisted going that route again, but lately have trolled a few sites, toying with the idea.  I find one I like, and even go so far as to begin filling out a trial entry form, when I hit a wall…

You’d think that my having been a writer since pre-school would help, but no! Each time I try to fill in that oh-so-important paragraph where you try to convince the multitude of prospects that there’s any reason for them to go out with you—I get stymied.  I can’t for the life of me imagine what might make me a hot prospect.  So after a few abortive attempts, I give up, depressed.

Then I get My Brilliant Idea.  I will ask a number of my female friends to come up with one sentence that describes me, and use quotations culled from their responses as the text for that “please consider me” paragraph.  I pick twenty friends to poll, briefly cheered by the fact that I have twenty female friends (which means, despite recent evidence to the contrary, I can’t be completely repellent to the opposite sex) and send out my e-mail request.  The first real answer I get is freaking genius.  Carol writes: "Billy Mernit is the kind of guy who will actually want to listen to you (ie: he's genuinely curious).  He might even understand you (ie: he's genuinely bright).” 

I’m floored by this, since it strikes me as being precisely What A Woman Wants To Hear From A Man, yet I never would have thought of penning this, myself.  I write back to thank Carol.  She responds that her line is unduly manipulative unless it’s true.  “So don't make me party to something you don't deliver, Slick,” she writes. “Now go make someone happy.”  I e-mail back a “yes, ma’m,” feeling properly chastened.

Still, I think I’m off to a good start (famous last words).  Though I wonder: is it really possible for a meet that transpires via an on-line matchmaking service to be genuinely “romantic?”  And: does a first encounter have to be “romantic” to engender romance, or is that another Only In The Movies myth?

Comments

[Caroline]

Hullo Billy :-)

Congratulations on the new blog. I caught you at TWB and decided to come and have a look-see.

As a rom com writer/afficionado (afficionada?), marketing communications consultant and online dating afficion... survivor, I feel qualified to answer your questions.

First of all, a resounding 'YES' to the Q on whether a date that was conceived online can be romantic. Much more so than normal dates, in my book. Online, you have the chance to write to each other for as long as you like before the Big Meet. If there's a meeting of minds (and photos, let's be fair) things can get deeply romantic quite quickly. Plus you have the added bonus that, as writers, we're using our favourite communications medium. None of that face-to-face blushing and fumbling for words. We get to be as eloquent as we like and the edit button is our friend.

2nd question... I think this one is more subjective. Personally, I've never had a 'why Mr Jones' moment - if the chemistry isn't there to start with, sad to say it'll never be there for me. On the other hand I have a friend who occasionally looks at existing acquaintances in a whole new light, so it can happen.

Good luck with the blogging and the dating. Keep us posted!

Caroline

[Julia]

Hi Billy,

Good questions. I too have given a few sites a try in the past couple of months and I find it all extremely bewildering. Being the writer I am, I of course researched what guys want before I filled out the questionnaire on the first site. Apparently men want Angelina Jolie, without the Pitt appendix. Which of course describes me perfectly (in her short hair era) and so I wrote that I’m a fun chick, as much at home at a cocktail party, wearing a little black dress and seven-inch heels and sipping a Screaming Orgasm, as hanging on the couch at home in jeans and a t-shirt, watching football and swigging Corona’s; that I have an IQ as high as Einstein’s but can tell a dirty joke better than Benny Hill; that I can cook a five course dinner if you insist but am also happy toasting marshmallows over the fireplace supper; that I’m never late but don’t mind if my date is, and that I don’t care about looks or money, as long as a man has a sense of humor and a good heart.

As it turns out, the guys did all want to hear about the football game, but preferred me to be watching it in my Victoria’s Secret underwear than in my jeans. I won’t repeat the remarks I got about the cocktail party, but you can guess. One bright soul asked who Einstein was. Three wanted the five course meal every night. They all said they were handsome and rich but the one date I actually agreed to meet was over fifteen minutes late, and then I didn’t recognize him because I was expecting a Brad Pitt look-alike. He of course recognized me from my Angelina description, and proceeded to bore me to tears in the twenty minutes it took me to extricate myself from his company. Oh, and he let me pick up the tab.

So I thought another tactic might be better. I chose a nickname that only people with a good knowledge of film would appreciate. It got me an interesting response from charming, intelligent and funny guy, whose personality leaped off the page and whom I couldn’t wait to meet. Until he called me to set up a date and I heard his voice. Uh-oh. Too high, too whiny. (And I had the distinct feeling he was picking at his teeth while he spoke.) He would have been good as a virtual lover. Being the sucker I am, I went along to the date anyway (he didn’t pick his teeth but held his hands clasped tightly in his lap) and was plagued for the rest of the day by the feeling that I had a mosquito stuck in my ear.

After that, I had a few nice exchanges. Selecting whom I corresponded with by email based on the reactions to my nickname, and then on the emails themselves, I’ve met guys I wouldn’t otherwise have had the pleasure to encounter. You can attain a certain intimacy by sharing thoughts and feelings in the written word which you might not get the chance to otherwise. The next step is of course the Phone Call. This can go both ways. You can find yourself at a loss for words, or listening to a non-stop stream of gibberish – again, email gives you more time for reflection and of course, there’s always that wonderful DELETE button. But, if the call goes well, you can arrange to Meet. (Of course, there’s always the frustrating possibility of liking somebody who lives on the other side of the world. Not conducive for romance, though I’m sure that if you’re really in love, you can make it work.)

And then it all boils down to chemistry. Once again, the old-fashioned animal instinct, the hormones, the primal pull. Nothing you have said or written before is going to force that click.

My point is this: you can make the contact you have prior to meeting as romantic and passionate as you wish. In writing, calls, exchanging things. Sending your favorite songs as an MP3. (Don’t you just love the internet?) Think about all the arranged marriages that resulted in true romance. The difference here is that you get to make the selection yourself. But the real test is the physical click. I don’t believe that there’s any way around that; either it’s there or it’s not, and you can’t force it. If I’m attracted to a guy, I know right away, and I’ve never turned around and looked at one of my friends one day and thought, “Ooo… yummy!”

I think, in your heart of hearts, you always know if there’s a possibility of romance, maybe not in the email phase but definitely when you hear somebody’s voice. If you find yourself logging onto the dating site while talking to the interested lady, nothing’s going to happen. You’re just not that into her.

I’m taking a time-out from the internet scene, in favor of just enjoying myself. But I still log onto the sites now and then when I’m feeling down. There’s no surer way of having a giggle than clicking on the profile of a guy called “Lancelotlover99” and seeing a cross-eyed, bald, overweight man flashing a toothless grin at you.

[carolyn]

i agree w/ julia - have all the email, etc., contact you want, but once you meet them in person all of the pre-meet virtual chemistry can be blown away in an instant if you don't click physically.

(and a bad phone voice is almost always a true sign of mr. wrong)

[carolyn]

p.s. have you heard the Ted Leo cover of the Clarkson song? it's fun.

[Gwen Juvenal]

Hi Billy. Love the idea of getting other peoples quotes to describe you. :-)

Thinking about the email relationship/online dating way of meeting people, you should have a little script contest to write up the most original "first meet". You know, let everyone have fun showing the unexpected surprises that you just don't get to know about a person online. Or have them show a pairing that doesn't look like it would work in real-life but just does.
:-)
best of luck.
P.S. why is it that only women are typing in responses to this one? lol.

[Brenda Bradshaw]

Absofreakinlutely. It works. I promise.