Addiction is no laughing matter, and so when I saw this article in the NY Times written by a woman who was genuinely "strung out on love" and, despite a stint at Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, nearly destroyed her life trying to hold onto a destructive romantic relationship, I was truly disturbed. It's a harrowing, cautionary tale, and it can make one question one's own wretched romantic excesses, as well as the culture that encourages such real-life melodrama.
It's also prompted me to bring up an issue that's less serious, but nonetheless has had an insidious, pernicious effect on my life. I suppose it's about time I admitted this, and blogs being the personal/public forum that they are, this is the most appropriate place to come clean and tell the truth: I, too, am an addict.
My name is Billy Mernit, and I am a rom-comoholic.
I could blame Cary Grant, him and whole seductive slew of movies I saw in my youth, which imprint the impressionable with a formula for how it's supposed to go. I could blame my now elderly parents, whom I found on the afternoon of a recent wedding anniversary rolling around on a couch, giggling and making out. No matter. Either way, I'm warped, I am one poisoned pup. I'm a writer of romantic comedy who teaches romantic comedy, I'm compelled to watch romantic comedies on a fairly regular basis but that's not the half of it: I think romantic comedy.
Therein lies the true sickness. Believing that I am somehow in a rom-com, that real life will in some way, shape or form conform to the form and sensibility of rom-coms -- this is what has been a plague on my existence for all my life, and the cure (even after two divorces) has yet to be found.
It feels good to be honest about this. I'm already breathing a little easier. It doesn't really phase me that I'm eyeing, with longing, that Bringing Up Baby DVD with the Howard Hawks docu-feature I ordered from amazon, thinking: blog later, watch just a few minutes of it now, and that I'm thinking about that cute roller-skater I nearly ran into on the bike path earlier who cursed at me, wondering if hey, maybe that was a cute meet and she was really The One -- that's just the disease talking, I know! I know how it goes.
And judging by the nature of the comments I often get on these posts, I can tell that there's more of you out there, other victims of rom-comoholism. Some, like me, are too far gone to be helped. A few have in fact ended up in prison -- witness this sobering article, Romantic Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested.
But I'm concerned about you borderline cases. Maybe it's not too late to identify your symptoms, and since identifying the problem is one big step towards climbing out of that big old rom-com hole, I've concocted an aid, a tool to help you in your recovery.
Do You Have Rom-Comitis?
This handy quiz is constructed to assess the level of rom-comoholism in your soul. Answer, TRUE or FALSE:
1. (Men) Your romantic history could be summarized as:
You've had your heart broken and you'll never grow a new one, but if a perfect stranger who resembled Meg Ryan sought you out, you just might be persuaded to take That Risk again.
(Women) Your romantic history could be summarized as:
All the men you've dated have disappointed you and you've given up on finding that special someone, so you're about to settle down with a dull but dependable guy, that is, unless a guy who looks like Tom Hanks...
2. Your role model (male) is:
Lloyd Dobler, Michael Dorsey or Ben Stiller in anything.
Your role model (female) is:
Meg, Julia, or Annie (Hall).
3. (Women) You're at a party and you're introduced to a man who could be your Mr. Right, so you:
Insult him, throw a drink in his face and shortly thereafter get stuck in a humiliatingly compromising situation with him where he one-ups you but turns you on, and high jinks like this ensue until you admit that in truth, you loved him from the moment you saw him.
(Men) You're at a party and you're about to be introduced to a girl who could easily be the love of your life, so you:
Think up the most wildly impressive alpha-male identity imaginable and pretend to be that guy so she'll fall in love with you (since after she finds out who you really are and dumps you, you'll find a memorably endearing way of winning her back, which will probably involve racing to an airport to stop her from moving to Paris).
4. A TV show you have on DVD is:
Sex and the City, Friends, or (+ 3 bonus points) I Love Lucy
5. Your best friend (men) is:
A wisecracking, sex-crazed hound-dog (usually overweight) who's always trying to get both of you laid but who, should you need to win the girl back and lack courage, will do a quick personality turnaround to deliver a heartfelt "it's really all about love" speech.
Your best friend (women) is:
A gay African-American guy (thin, handsome), fabulous at heart-to-hearts, snap! witticisms, and finding you that last-minute perfect outfit w/accessories and makeup for your big happy ending reunion date.
6. One of your favorite songs is:
Addicted to Love, Close To You, or I Wanna Sex You Up.
7. Your idea of a perfect date location would be:
Meeting someplace by a fountain so you can push each other into it with all your clothes on and frolic, laughing.
8. You are most likely to fall for:
Your diametric opposite who clearly can't stand you, and barring that, your business rival, your boss's son/daughter, your lover's mother/father, etc.
9. You only decide to have sex if:
You had absolutely no intention of doing so, you're charmingly inebriated and won't remember what you did or didn't do in the morning, and regardless, it will completely screw up everything else that's important in your life.
10. Once you begin to have sex:
Oddly enough, no matter what you do, no genitalia get exposed, and when things really heat up, suddenly the light fades, and the next thing you know, it's over and you're both lying there with two candles flickering in a gentle breeze by the bedside.
11. If you're renting a film for a date, you'd likely choose:
Watching The Princess Bride for the 55th time.
12. If you're in an awkward social situation with your lover, you:
Get everybody to sing some dumb-but-wonderfully-quirky hit from the '80s that they'll all magically know all the words to, and the dance moves (with a backing track that will materialize from nowhere, or perhaps in your far-gone mind).
13. (Women) You've had a fight with your boyfriend and realize it was your fault, so you:
Go see him to apologize, only to find him in what looks like a compromising position with another woman, so you run away before this seeming betrayal can be easily explained, and refuse to talk to him so that you have the time to do something heinous to make him jealous and then, only when you've really lost him, realize that you misunderstood.
(Men) You've had a fight with your girlfriend and your method of making up is:
Hiring a band to play her favorite song outside her window, which you will sing horribly but sincerely (preferably in a funny costume), then try to climb up to her balcony bearing an engagement ring, only to take a slapstick pratfall, losing the ring (but it doesn't matter, since she's worth two of them, etc.).
14. You have always wanted to hear a lover say:
Snap out of it!, You complete me, or Nobody's perfect.
15. (Men) You've been dumped, so you:
Phone incessantly leaving adorably long and increasingly convoluted messages, order flowers to fill her room at home and at work, have an airplane skywrite a personal apology and of course, stand outside her bedroom window all morning holding a blaster over your head, playing Peter Gabriel.
(Women) You've been dumped, so you:
Hold back tears photogenically until he comes to his senses.
BONUS QUESTION -- When in doubt you think:
What would Cary Grant / Katherine Hepburn do?
Okay, so: give yourself 3 points for every question you answered TRUE... and I'll be back after the weekend to assess your scores and tell you just how deeply rom-comoholic you are -- and to collect and post any additional questions you think might help those in need of help.
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