Romantic Terror Alert

Had a date cancel on me the other night, and in discussing this with my friend Beth, I noted that the behavior of the woman in question was understandable, because said woman suffers from PRTSD (Post-Romantic Traumatic Stress Disorder: a psychiatric disorder that can occur following the experience of heart-threatening events such as divorce, break-up or seeing too many movies like The Lake House). 

Prior discussions with... let's call her Cynthia... had revealed that only this past Spring, Cynthia went through a whirlwind romance that had her headed for the altar, and instead ended in an abrupt plan alteration as the intended groom's feet froze (turns out he'd mistaken a mid-life crisis alarm for wedding bells).  So the fact that Cynthia is somewhat gun-shy when it comes to going out is no big surprise; I give the woman credit for even attempting to date at all.

Even if you haven't been out there on the front lines recently, you might have heard there's a war on, as the reports from refugees, walking wounded and the occasional bullet-dodging got-lucky couples alike keep trickling in.  We have met the enemy and they is us, which is part of the problem.   One simply can't be naive and sentimental about the mating game anymore, because everybody's been burned -- while sometimes having lit and dropped the fatal match themselves.

Given this, friend Beth mused, there really ought to be some kind of easy-to-decipher coded system for dating, which would alert prospective daters to the emotional state of a given datee in advance.  People routinely mispresent themselves on the dating scene (hey, if we were all brutally honest about who we are in specific detail on a first date, would anyone ever get to Date Two?).  Still, some general orientation re: What We Might Be Up Against really would be helpful in terms of assessing one's chances, when one books that nice table for a first night out.

"There ought to be a color code," Beth opined.  "You know, like the Homeland Security's Terror Alert system."  Well!  Was she talking to the right guy?  To paraphrase Albert Brooks in Broadcast News:  She says it there... and it comes out here.

Herewith, my concept -- I'm thinking t-shirts or headbands would be too limiting, fashion-wise, so how about a slim, sleek little wristband?  From now on when you're meeting someone new for a date, instead of wearing your heart on your sleeve, in the interests of basic disclosure and fair representation, why not broadcast the level of romantic risk you embody (and/or your status on the availability chart) with a strip of color around your wrist?

RED -- SEVERE (Extreme Risk of Soul Evisceration):  includes those of the "Vengeance is Mine and I Will Repay" persuasion, the "I eat lovers' hearts for breakfast" people, and the delightful "I will torture you with hope but pigs will fly before you win me" types.

ORANGE -- HIGH (High Risk of Heartbreak & Possible Legal Action): I will court, love, marry... and then unleash the hounds of Hell.

YELLOW -- ELEVATED (Significant Chance of Involvement, w/Baggage): This extremely popular category includes closet commitment-phobes, friends with benefits and couples counselors on tap, the divorced but not quite disenchanted, long-term relationship virgins, bisexuals and well, most single people over 35.

BLUE -- GUARDED (Game For 1-3 Dates But Don't Expect Sex): includes Don't get me started about my last relationship, This thing is called a dating pre-nup and will you sign it?,  Spotted you at my last Sexaholics Anonymous meeting, and I'm separated but still in a relationship so actually just window-shopping, thanks. 

GREEN -- LOW (We're Just Looking For a Good Time Here):  Hello, Mojito!

Now obviously no system is foolproof, and this one could be easily manipulated (you know, like the present administration is apt to do when the poll numbers are truly tanking).  I can envision any number of post-date conversations along the lines of "She was sportin' green but she was like totally orange, dude!" and "Elevate my butt sir, you are Severe to the core!"

Nonetheless I think it's worth a try.  Not a magic bullet for an end to all hostilities, but like that joke, "What've you got when you have a dozen lawyers [no, make that agents] shackled together at the bottom of the ocean?"

A good start.

Comments

[christina]

This would be funny if it weren't so spot on. I'm definitely a "yellow" with my over-35 (and jaded) single status. The last person I tried to date was a 37-year-old "blue" and played enough head games with me that I've called it a day on dating for the rest of the year. And we only went out 3 times. In the meantime, I'm writing a mega-sappy, love-conquers-all rom com...

[E.C. Henry]

Billy,

Loved your monkey picture, totally captures my phobia of dating -- it scares the shit out of me! Thanks for communicating at a BASIC level that I can relate to.

Sorry the girl bailed on you. Pleasantly suprised by you mature, seeking answers response to it. Had I been in your shoes, I would have been pissed.

Thanks for using your personal experiences to educate the naive.

- E.C. Henry in Bonney Lake, Wa

[binnie]

MY color? Burnt Sienna.

[ScribeLA]

Hey Billy,

Don't take her canceling too too the heart... although, have you heard of the book, "S/he's just not that into you"? haha.

Your photo choices in this post are classic - I love the monkey shot. lol.

I think you may be onto something with the whole color dating alert system, but it's difficult, because there is never anything foolproof when matters of the heart and/or libido are involved. It's a great start though :-)
Scribe

[Lucy]

I am unleashing the hounds of hell as we speak, oh yes >EVIL LAUGH<

[Bill]

As you alluded to in your post, while the idea is sound, the problem I see has to do with self-knowledge. I'm not convinced people could gage themselves accurately. Perhaps a licensing system? Something where a federal department tested, licensed and registered you. Not that I trust the government not to turn it into a balls-up. But I can hear the conversations now:

"No, really I'm green. OK, maybe a blue. Maybe."

"Blue my ass. You're screaming green. Hell, who but a green insists on a stake knife for pasta? Green, pal. Green!!!"

[Bill]

That would have been much funnier if I hadn't typed green at the end when I meant red.

On the other hand, that screw up is even funnier.

[Ruth]

ARRGGGHHHHH. Dating. I don't know how to date. I only know how to be in long term relationships, which is why I have broken up with the same man three times.
Besides,I'd never trust their choice of color, and they for sure shouldn't trust mine.

[Writergurl]

LOL! So true.

I actually cancelled on a date a few years back, calling the girl (at the last minute) to tell her that I'd made a mistake in agreeing to date her. I'd just become one of the walking wounded (within the previous couple of months) and I (literally) told her that I was in no shape to go out wtih anyone and I didn't want to inflict myself on her.

Unfortunately, she thought I was just being an ass. In actuality, I was just trying to save her some pain! At that stage, I was Fire Engine RED!

[mernitman]

Christina: in other words, taking refuge in a land of make-believe, and gee, I'VE never heard of such a thing...

E.C. -- I heart monkeys.

Binnie: Good lipstick...

Scribe: I think "heart" and "foolproof" are mutually exclusive terms.

Lucy, I am afraid, I am very afraid...

Bill: ...or if you hadn't coined the interesting term, "stake knife" (as in, made for a heart?)...

Ruth: 3 X break-up? Sounds like a steady relationship to me (and you're both clearly yellow)...

Writergurl: And you did the both of you a good deed in that, I'm sure...

[Writergurl]

Well, Billy, if you stumble across a cute lite blonde who responds to "Kate", tell her what a good thing I did, will ya?

Talk about luggage! I had steamer trunks. Nowadays, I try to limit it to a carry on. What? We ALL have some luggage!

;)

[Julie Goes To Hollywood]

Oh Billy, at least your date didn't cancel on you after the date started. I once went on a blind date with a guy who kept talking back to the movie screen. I got lost on the way back from the bathroom so I could sit by myself. I mean, it was only a Ben Affleck movie but have a little respect. J.
P.S. Love the terror alert!

[Babs]

Brilliant! Also funny and true. Send it out as an essay!

[Brooke]

I love mojitos! I'm in!

[mernitman]

Writergurl: And now dates tend to check your carry-ons more thoroughly than ever...

J: Talking to the screen is definitely a date-buster...

Babs: One of these days...

Brooke: I'm shocked, SHOCKED...

[HuckleCat]

I've been away from your blog for too long!

Current BF continues to date me even though I'm a screaming yellow (with risk of orange). I best not show him this entry...

[Writergurl]

Well, if I like my dates, I don't object to pat downs and body searches!

;)

[Bill]

Yes, I guess I should proof read these comments. Damn. I hate doing that. Makes for an interesting image though, don't you think? Stake knife? Pasta? What IS going on there? "My God, Dracula's in the linguine!"

[cyynthia]

Hey, I am "Cynthia." I cancelled -- rather postponed -- upon discovering the date was actually a three-person group outing, not a date, including Beth -- whom I'm sure is lovely. But since their plans preceded the one with me, it felt like I'd be a third wheel. Does that make the terror any less, um, scarlet? --Cynthia

[mernitman]

Cynthia: Well, it doesn't make my face any less scarlet.

But! One could argue that, given that you and I had already had a number of dates before, my taking the capital-D Dating-ness out of this one by making the night a "come to this neat event and meet one of my friends" thing was meant to be inclusive and social, and thus... less threatening, as opposed to more so.

Which makes both of us yellow, I'd think. Let's hash it out over the next round of martinis.

[Ms. Annie D]

My hat's off to you and Beth! Romantic terror alert bracelets. Why didn't I think of that?

Brilliant.