Things had been going swimmingly between myself and this Someone I'm Interested In, with all kinds of intriguing affinities cropping up. We had far more than the usual chance coincidences of experience -- we were discovering a truly surprising number of shared likes and dislikes, and had been from the get.
Though we were only a couple of weeks into this... deliciously ambiguous whatever it was, we'd yet to hit a snag. It was becoming a subtle game by now, this casual testing of sensibilities, the "you're into...? that's amazing, so am I" of it all. So on an evening when I accompanied this special Someone to a female friend's apartment on an errand prior to a night out, and I noticed a huge framed movie poster there, it seemed only natural to play another round of Are We Two As One?
I indicated the poster to... let's call her She, and asked, "So where do you stand on this?" And for the first time since we'd started going out, She hesitated to answer. "I'm afraid to tell you," she admitted.
The air was suddenly tingly with a peculiar kind of tension. Because people are funny about the movies they love or hate -- not so funny, actually, in that passions can run so high on this particular turf that even the best of friends and closest of lovers can suddenly find themselves on opposite sides of an un-breachable chasm.
It's amazing, really, how strongly we can identify with a given movie. A movie you love enough to have seen countless times, quote from, reference time and again can become a part of your very personality; someone telling you they hate your beloved movie can feel as personally affronting as someone telling you they hate your hair -- worse, actually, because hair can be dyed, but true movie love never dies.
Conversely, what if a movie you've always reviled, that you loathe so completely that anyone who embraces it is branded a hopeless cretin in your eyes, turns out to be your prospective lover's passionate fave? She and I exchanged a look of genuine alarm, realizing that it had come to this at last: we might have hit a Deal-breaker.
As it happens, She and I have a pact, an agreement between us, that insists on honesty above all. So she was duty-bound to own up to the fact that she loved Moulin Rouge!... a movie that drove me so nuts when I saw it that I walked out on it, about forty minutes in.
Cliches are based in truth, and so I repeat: there is no accounting for taste. You say potato, and I say I'd rather suffer pepper-spray in my eyes than watch Nicole Kidman lip-synch an Elton John song.
I have nothing against Elton John. I don't much care for Nicole, who will always seem ice cold at the core to me no matter how hot she tries to play, but I hasten to add that I loved Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Juliet (and liked Strictly Ballroom well enough) and as a fan of musical theater who's more than happy to see the cinematic form of same revived, I'll even say I appreciate the idea of Moulin Rouge! in the abstract. But I'd reviled everything about the movie itself (the third of it I could stand to see), from its overblown soundtrack down to the superfluous exclamation point in its title. And I confessed this, then and there.
She had loved it, but not, thank goodness, without a frisson of chagrin -- it was clearly a kind of Guilty Pleasure for her, and bless her heart, she allowed that every straight man she knew hated this movie, while every woman she knew adored it, giving us both an out to work with. We went over all of the tricky details (our shared reverence for the Baz Romeo was helpful, as was her admission that yes, women had something a lot more substantively sexy to look at in Ewan McGregor than men had in Kidman), we discussed how much was subjective when it came to the appeal of wretchedly excessive romanticism -- I am, after all, the one guy on my block who loved the ice-skating duet between Naomi Watts and the ape in the recent King Kong -- and we emerged none the worse for wear.
(I'll note that our must-be-honest policy was the best route to go, because we've thus avoided that possible ugly break-up moment where she'd fling in my face, "I should've known from the moment you pretended to like Moulin Rouge! that you were an untrustworthy asshole!")
Though it was a kind of close call. I don't honestly believe that She and I are headed for any other cinematic Waterloos -- it would take more than Nicole's soulless warble to come between me and She um, consummating our desire -- but these things happen. Last year, for example, Crash was a movie that lived up to its title in impact, wrecking many a seeming kinship, and I'll wager there are a number of other films that could strike a fledgling romance a mortal blow.
I've fessed up here to being turned off by the book an otherwise attractive woman was reading (as well as being alternately attracted by a book in the hands of same) and resisting the seductive wiles of a woman who worked for a bigwig in the wrong political party. So now I turn it over to the blogosphere: what movie -- if loved/hated by your object of affection -- would serve as a romantic Deal-breaker for you?
I've been out of the dating market for ages and ages (thank heaven), but I don't think there's any one deal-breaker for me. That is, if the guy shows consistent good taste, I'll be able to live with a number of bad choices.
My guy hates Sleepless in Seattle (OK, fair, girl movie, I guess), and he won't watch The Hunt for Red October with me for the 15th time (also OK, I can see why watching it this often is perhaps a little odd). I like SF, he hates it. He likes Jackass, which I used to hate but now almost can see the fun of. Sometimes. I'm not that enthusiastic about watching Godfather I, II and III again and again.
But we enjoy going to Big Hollywood Movies together, and watch the same series, and then there are some movies he'll go see with a friend. Granted, we're not as passionate about movies as you are, but I think that a happy balance and not too much symbiosis in tastes is a good thing.
Though maybe I would draw the line at someone who was an avid collector of Rambo & Rocky movie paraphernalia...
Posted by: marrije | December 18, 2006 at 01:50 AM
I'm not sure honesty is the best policy. The thing is because we write and study writing we are more likely to spot annoyances. There's nothing like spending a great deal of time trying to get rid of a logic flaw in your script so the story makes sense, only to find several flaws in the movie you've paid money to see.
I walked out of National Treasure, my She had loved it. Little did I realise that by explaining how dumb the film was, I was by extension explaining how dumb she was for loving it. She never spoke to me again. Of course, it may have been due to my grabby hands and stinky body odour but I'm blaming the different tastes in films.
Pretending is the way to go. As long as you act well, She'll never know: "I love Moulin Rouge. My favourite scene? All of them. How could I possibly choose one. It's like asking me to choose my favourite child. But don't get me started on Titanic, an absolute classic that was way too short. You call me Jack, I'll call you Rose."
Posted by: Robin | December 18, 2006 at 04:25 AM
Movies are rarely the deal breakers (I despised Moulin Rouge, by the way, and was squirmy the entire time). Music, the size of the wedding, the 1972 money pit of a Land Rover you should NOT have bought, which section of the NY Times you read first and a certain member of the other person's family, deal breakers. Good luck, Billy!
Posted by: binnie | December 18, 2006 at 06:36 AM
By the way, Ewan McGregor did nothing for me in "Moulin Rouge", but in "Miss Potter" he's heaven.
Posted by: binnie | December 18, 2006 at 07:31 AM
I loathe Crash. I've called it (and continue to call it) a "very special Love Boat episode"! If a prospective "She" were to adore that movie, I'd have to be madly in love/lust(?) to ignore that. I don't think a mere movie (love or hate it) would be a deal breaker for me.
However, there ARE deal breakers. The major things that will not be tolerated by me; rudeness, smoking, stinginess, dishonesty and being a f'ing Republican (since I know that I couldn't be involved with a lesbian who loved Ol' Shrub). There's at least one set of minor annoyances that I can't live with: bad manners at the table; chewing with the mouth open and smacking as if you're a cow chewing cud will drive me around the bend as well as make me question if I EVER want to kiss you.
Posted by: writergurl | December 18, 2006 at 08:21 AM
No deal breakers here. We've been married almost 25 years. My husband is not really into movies. There are a few he likes, but he mainly leaves the loving of them to me. He's into other stuff that doesn't interest me.
We have plenty of interests in common, but not really movies. He is, however, very supportive of what I do as it relates to movies. And I was spending so much time watching Dexter just recently that he got into that too.
Posted by: Miriam Paschal | December 18, 2006 at 08:58 AM
Deal-breakers? Any kind of love for Million Dollar Baby or the collected films of Woody Allen. Also, Portrait of a Lady was horrific, but I can't imagine anyone actually liking that movie, so it doesn't need to be said.
I'm much more lenient for movies I love, so if you don't think Say Anything was the greatest movie of all time, well, okay. You're wrong, but okay.
Posted by: Jen | December 18, 2006 at 09:33 AM
I know that if a man I dated hated "Born Yesterday" (1950) I would have a hard time getting over it. (One bf said it was just 'eh' and it really hurt my feelings!)
My movie-industry cousin told me this story. He was at a party and was having a great conversation with a guy. Then the guy said, "I saw this great movie--have you seen it? 'The Majestic.'" Of course, my cousin doesn't have to see "The Majestic" to know it's schlock. He asked me, "Is it wrong to judge someone's character by their taste in film?"
My answer is usually 'no.' But it's hard to defend that position if they love "The Majestic."
My bf despairs that I don't love the Lord of the Rings trilogy, but I think he can forgive me. We both love old movies, such as "The Philadelphia Story," which is more than enough for me.
Posted by: jamy | December 18, 2006 at 09:35 AM
Wow. Deal breakers. Don't get me started. My brother tells me I'm the hardest person to date he knows and says that is why I'm still single. He's probably right.
Immediate deal breakers: lying, using hard drugs (I can tolerate pot, alcohol and the occasional cigarette, can't tolerate cocaine, daily smoking or "wake and bake" pot smoking), cheapness, not reading fiction, having a bunch of liberal stickers plastered all over the back of your Prius - i.e. the sensitive new age guy types (blech), bad taste in music...
The last three or four guys I've been interested in have been musicians. I really love dating them. They're much more fun than the academics and engineers I dated in my twenties. However, with musicians comes the problem of supporting oneself. You know the joke, "What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?" "Homeless."
So now the big deal breaker for me is this: not being financially self-supporting.
Posted by: christina | December 18, 2006 at 10:14 AM
A few weeks after I met my current beau, we discovered that we both really hated "Dancer in the dark", to the point of wanting to scream at the filmmaker (even if he couldn't hear us). It cemented our young relationship.
Maybe a couple doesn't actually need to agree on all movies they watch to stay together. Maybe they just need to really hate one film together. ;-)
Posted by: Martine | December 18, 2006 at 10:52 AM
I didn't read your post at the end carefully enough - I thought you meant "in general" deal breakers.
My movie deal breakers?
Let's start at the obvious... Someone who doesn't get Spinal Tap will be immediately crossed off the list. Ideally, they've memorized the dialogue. And if they don't laugh when I point out that my Fender tube amp goes to 12, that's a big, red flag.
A guy who doesn't get Charlie Kaufman? That'd be a deal breaker too.
Posted by: christina | December 18, 2006 at 11:03 AM
I could probably fall in love with anyone who hated "The English Patient" as much as I did.
I didn't much care for "Eternal Sunshine...", either. See Billy? It would never have worked out!
Posted by: binnie | December 18, 2006 at 11:25 AM
The Cotton Club isn't a romantic comedy really, but if object of affection couldn't appreciate its vivacity...
Well, I just know if I could talk to him.
Posted by: Janet | December 18, 2006 at 02:33 PM
correction: I don't know if I could talk to him.
Posted by: Janet | December 18, 2006 at 02:34 PM
I just reread my comment and I should have said that I DO think it's wrong to judge someone's character by their taste in film. (Obviously, that doesn't stop me.)
Posted by: jamy | December 18, 2006 at 02:40 PM
The Princess Bride - if he doesn't love it, he is outta there.
Posted by: Brooke | December 18, 2006 at 05:35 PM
Marrije: Yeah, that Rambo Rocky thing wouldn't do it for me...
Robin: But see, what if that leads to you having to watch TITANIC with her a couple of dozen times?!
Binnie: "Which section of the Times you read first"?
Writergurl: Yuck, yes...
Miriam: Any guy who'll respect his wife's interest in serial killers seems okay in my book.
Jen: I even shudder THINKING about "Portrait" and as for "Anything," is there really anything to discuss?!
Jamy: "The Majestic," ouch. Nice to think that "Philadelphia Story" is your rom-com comfort zone...
Christina: Hey, those all sound fine to me. Though *clears throat* I AM a musician...
Martine: Mutual hatred of a film is a very effective bonder, and I can't think of a sweeter hatred-bonder than "Dancer."
Christina: "Tap" and Charlie? I'm with you there.
Janet: Ah, young Diane Lane! And old Julian Beck...
Jamy: ...and there's your basic human dichotomy in a nutshell.
Brooke: Inconceivable!!!
Posted by: mernitman | December 18, 2006 at 06:17 PM
"A Matter of Life and Death" - I could forgive someone for not having seen it (just) but to dismiss it as anything other than genius would be a cinematic crime in my mind, and a total deal breaker.
Other checkpoint questions:
- which version of "39 Steps" is the best? Correct answer: the Robert Donat version, of course.
- do you like musicals? Correct answer: no.
- you don't mind if I have lustful thoughts about Johnny Depp/George Clooney/Keanu Reeves/Daniel Craig, do you? Correct answer: I'm sure I'll benefit in the long run.
Posted by: Sal | December 18, 2006 at 06:25 PM
An ex-fiance thought I was frivolous because I read the Arts and Leisure section of the Times before anything else in the paper.
Mind you, I said EX-fiance.
Posted by: binnie | December 18, 2006 at 08:38 PM
I loved Moulin Rouge, Eternal Sunshine, and The English Patient. Clearly I'm a man in no position to impose dealbreakers on any woman who might have me.
Posted by: Chris | December 18, 2006 at 09:31 PM
you're a stronger man than i. i walked out of moulin rouge(!) within the first three minutes.
Posted by: duncanralston | December 18, 2006 at 11:42 PM
>
That thought sent a shiver AND a shudder down my spine. I may have to re-think my "lying is good" theory.
Posted by: Robin | December 19, 2006 at 05:46 AM
Dump the broad. It's you and me, babe.
Posted by: brooke | December 19, 2006 at 10:22 AM
She likes most of what I like and tolerates the rest. I enjoy taking her for a chick flick since that gets her in a happy mood.
Posted by: Big Dreams | December 19, 2006 at 03:39 PM
Movies as relationship barometers? Now that you mentioned it--
I divorced my first husband over his yearly Christmas must-see "It's a Wonderful Life".
For sixteen years my second husband insisted on "Avalon" every year at Hanukkah.
But so, I must confess. "Love Actually" is my holiday movie. I watch it alone.
Posted by: Ruth Yunker | December 19, 2006 at 04:25 PM