Posting the Pet

This is a photograph of my girlfriend's dog Molly, attempting to drive her VW.

There are many ways I could spin my need to share this photo with you, so that its presence here could be in accordance with the stated aims and subject matter of this blog.  I could talk about Molly's resemblance to Petey, the lovable pit bull from Our Gang, thus beginning a discourse on the role of dogs as avatars of love in movies and television series, which would inevitably provide me the means to make an introduction to my girlfriend's other dog, Thomas, a Cairn terrier who is the spitting image of Toto from The Wizard of Oz, as you can see for yourself:

...Or I could perhaps muse upon anthropomorphism as a means of romanticizing the animal kingdom, for better or worse (Molly the pit bull cannot in fact drive a VW, but doesn't the notion of her making the attempt diminish, however subtly, your possible fear of pit bulls, and make the breed seem more accessible and friendly in this act of seeming humanness?), which might lead to an intriguing discussion of the Oscar-winning Happy Feet, with its cheery and endearing anthropomorphized penguins, a provocative conceit in that many real-life penguins are known to be quite nasty and aggressive.

Or I could stay within the realm of animal as comedic celebrity performer by drawing your attention to the astonishing Nora, a piano-playing cat of formidable talent (by all means go take a look and listen, I'll still be here wending my way to a point when you get back).

But all of this would be so much smoke and mirrors, and a distraction from my true purpose, which I will own up to in a moment.  First allow me to make sure that you're familiar with a few terms.

Petting the dog is an Old School screenwriting term that's used to describe the bit of business one employs to supply knee-jerk empathy for and positive audience identification with a given character. 

In the silent era, if the man who walked out of a saloon stopped to pet the dog lying on the porch, he was clearly the hero; the man who walked out of the saloon and kicked the dog was evidently the villain.  In our modern times, we're more used to the notion of a man who shoots down half a dozen innocent people inside the saloon, then walks outside and gives the dog a biscuit, but at any rate:  In a script I did notes on this morning, on page four the leading man gave a homeless man a hot dog and a bottle of water.  That, my friends, is petting the dog.

Jumping the shark is a more recent term, born of prime time TV, that's used to describe the moment that a given series loses its integrity -- usually well into its run, and as a by-product of having to sustain itself too long.

When a TV show's character acts glaringly out of character and/or an eoisode's plot veers into over-the-top absurdity that has little or nothing to do with the heretofore established sensibility of the show, we say (as apparently was first noted when the Fonz, on water skis, literally jumped over a shark in an episode of Happy Days) that the show has passed its peak.  Thus, there are those who are currently opining that by bringing on Jack Bauer's evil brother and even eviller father to make too many illogical plot connections this season, "Dude, 24 has really jumped the shark!"

I'd now like to introduce a new term, a riff on the two above, to define a certain phenomenon of the blogosphere.

Have you ever been a regular reader of a given blog, and come upon a post where the blogger has abandoned the usual established thread of said blog, to write about an object of affection?  Suddenly the blogger is posting photos and/or telling stories about his or her cat, dog, parakeet, etc. with no discernible purpose beyond what's more or less a gush; the subtext of such a post is generally along the lines of "ohmyGod you won't believe what my ______ (tabby, wombat, rat) did today!!!"

In a sense, the blogger is both petting the dog (i.e. "How can you not find me interesting and empathetic, given my love for this adorable creature?") and -- temporarily at least -- jumping the shark (i.e. "I don't care if this has nothing to do with the subject you came here to read about, my [coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs gerbil] is just - so - ka-yooooooot!!!").

I would say that such a blogger is posting the pet, i.e. the blog has stepped too far beyond its boundaries with an excessive absorption in some subject a little too personal, creating potentially kitschy Too Much Information-fests.  A post containing more than six home photos of any furry thing is quintessential, but the term could also apply to bridge-too-far posts about pesky humans (e.g. "Gawker really posted the pet with their Eric Schaeffer obsession").

This, then, is what I'm up to: guilty as charged.  Romantic-shamantic, comedy-shomedy, the only thing that's really on my mind right now is our dogs.  "Ours" because since my girlfriend moved in this past week -- we've each got one unit of a two-unit bungalow, and thus are literally next-door neighbors -- I've become the co-adorer of Molly and Thomas.  So I'm in love three times over (five if you count her two cats, another post-the-pet post altogether). 

Thomas is still a pup, a frisky lunatic in that total terrier way, and already the star of our local dog park.  His favorite pursuit there is to playfully attack the largest dogs on site, and thus get chased all over the park by a pack of hounds four times his size; they run until dazed and then hang out round the water dish like a bunch of guys having a post-football beer at Cheer's.

Molly is an older, slow-moving sweetheart of a dog who's survived cancer and being hit by a car and has eyes so wise, deep and soulful that you could fall into them for a week.  She raised the two orphaned cats from birth, saving their tiny kitten lives with her maternal ministrations, and has recently adopted me.  Molly now occupies what had been my easy chair on a daily basis -- smitten and enslaved, I walk her while the girlfriend walks Thomas and attend to all her needs; in truth, I am Molly's bitch.

I could go on -- I will spare you -- but there you have it: mind gone, mushed by animal love, Living the Romantic Comedy has posted the pet. 

Sad, I know, yet at least I'm owning up to it.  And to prove that unlike shark-jumping, this untoward behavior is not irredeemable, you may have noticed that BTW, I've also buried the lead.  To recap: the girlfriend and I, both of us writers, are now living together in separate but adjacent abodes, with two dogs, two cats and might as well throw in the pair of hummingbirds that hang out in my garden.  And we're such a couple of goon-birds that we each race to pick up the dogs' poop before the other one has to.

If that ain't living the romantic comedy, what is?

Comments

[adam]

Dog Gone!

I just did a bit on Pet the Dog, as well.

Except, uh, I didn't, like . . . BARE MY SOUL as you did.

anyhow . . . you crack me up with your cracking up.

[HuckleCat]

Awww! That's so sweet, Billy. Congrats on your new neighbors.

BTW- I've been waiting for you to comment on Eric Schaeffer.

[Christina]

You've completely lost it! I love it. I love dogs. Last night, I took the guy who read my scripts all the way through who is now my boyfriend down to Crissy Field and made him watch dogs play for 1/2 hour. I told him not to worry - I don't have baby envy, I have dog envy. I want one. And yesterday. Aren't they the best? Always in a good mood and always happy to see you.

[Guillermo]

So tell me, does the dog driving the VW have one of those cutesy pet licenses? If not, better get one, otherwise they'll be no midnight chance at romance while watching the submarine races...

[brooke]

Does this mean we are breaking up? I hate when I find out this way!

[Patty]

Aw.

[Audrey]

congratulations and pass the syringe. mama just OD'd on sugah.

[mernitman]

Adam, we aim to please. And I liked your piece. Great minds...

Hucklecat: We don't want to add anything else to Mr. S's reputation, do we?

Christina, well if you ask me, I'd say get two.

Guillermo, excellent point. We'll look into this.

Brooke, in that alternate universe we're still together famously.

Patty: ...as in "aw shucks" and "awestruck," I am.

Audrey: When I've already lost my mind, I can't be held responsible, now, can I?

[jess]

hey man, that's a charmed life. Given your good-natured musings and blog-dad like postings whenever i'm feeling Droopy Donnaish, I'd say you deserve it!

in other news, i sorta wish i had a dog instead of this cat. Or, should I say, this devil that runs around our apartment in the form of a cat.

[Ann Wesley Hardin]

Billy, the picking up the dog-poo so the other doesn't have to almost made me gag, but otherwise, I'm thrilled for ya. You deserve it and those dogs are dang cute. Mine is cuter, though...

[chris soth]

Man, that is SO gay.

Jealous.
Chris

[caroline]

I am so happy for you! Wonderful news, indeed. You must have remembered my aunt's sage advice about the key to any successful romantic relationship being separate bathrooms!

I have no problem whatsoever with posting the pets. I haven't done it yet myself, but that is only due to lack of technical prowess with my new digital camera.

If I'm truthful, I like most animals better than most people, and never really trust people who plain don't like dogs and cats (allergies are a different thing, but I dated a guy who just didn't like my dog ... an impossible feat never since repeated).

May you all be one happy family for many many years to come.

PS I can't believe you didn't manage to squeeze Must Love Dogs into this post!

[Dave]

So if you're the hero Romcom writer.......who is the evil Romcom writer?

Who said Nora??????? Bad, bad people.
cheers
Dave.

[Barbara]

Mernitman - Keep posting the pets. Wonderful stuff. Stuart and Charlotte send love -

[Daniel W.]

Billy, I'm sure you remember this --

Swana: You see, Count d'Algout gave me Punchy for my birthday. You must have searched for weeks before you found anything as divine as Punchy, didn't you Leon?
Leon: Months, Swana.
Swana: Oh poor Madame Yakushova... here we are talking in mysteries. I'm sure you wonder what it's all about.
Ninotchka: Not at all. I understand perfectly. Count d'Algout gave you a dog. You made it very clear, Madame.
Swana: Oh dear me, I must be losing my finesse. If I'm not careful, I'll be understood by everybody.

[mernitman]

Jess maybe you need a demon dog to keep the cat in line.

Of COURSE yours is cuter Ann.

Chris you makin' me laugh.

Yes Caroline, your aunt got it right.

Bad people not being any people YOU know, Dave...

Barbara: Stuart and Charlotte deserve treats.

Daniel, I do remember that, and coincidentally Barbara (just above you) is close to the Lubitsch family...

[Betsy]

Sweet!!! And congrats! I'm guilty of posting the pet, for sure.

[Em]

What a perfect living situation! And I love that you both race to pick up the poop, although I have to believe that it isn't ENTIRELY true! :)

[Sparky Duck]

I try so hard to not over post on the cat photos. But I do know my project 365 blog is soon going to resemble "my cats are so cute arent they" moments time and time again.

[mernitman]

Yes, Betsy, but you do it so fetchingly.

Em, much as it may both defy belief and make some of my readers ill, it is TOTALLY true.

Okay, Sparky, I'm rolling over to your blog now to see how guilty (or not) you are...

[Chris]

Hi Everybody,

Have you seen the new Pet Style Contest going on at SPCA.com?

Here's a little bit about it:

You've seen all those tabloid photographs of celebrities and their pets, dodging reporters as they slip into the hippest Hollywood restaurants, but did you ever imagine it could be you getting the star treatment? Give your destiny a helping hand by submitting your pet's most dazzling glamour shot to the SPCA PetStyle Contest, brought to you by the SPCA and Dog.com! If your pet's paparazzi pic is star-quality, you might just win a grand prize trip for two to Beverly Hills!

Just to show you that being nominated is just as much fun as winning (well, almost as much fun anyway), everyone who submits an approved photo will automatically receive a $10 gift certificate to Dog.com and a free one-year membership to the Pet Protector System by 1-800-HELP4PETS. (Limit: One per contestant, not per photo or per pet.) No purchase is necessary to enter, so use our best-in-show E-Cards to tell every pet lover you know about this great offer!

Just go to the contest site, upload your pet's most captivating photo, and let the world see what real glamour is!

Enter the contest now at www.spcacontest.com!

[Loghikeels]

Hi!
My name is Tomas!

[inpaz]

Thanks